His Magic Schlong
Posted by CM under Reading, Romancery, Writing on Sun 29 Jul 2007
here are a couple of so-called rules that exist in romance novels, all of which can be broken. But there are some things that I suspect looked like rules ten or twenty years ago, but which we might scratch our heads about now, or even roll our eyes when the execution is too ridiculous.
For instance, I’m suspecting it used to be a rule that the girl had to be a virgin. Unless she was a widow, and then–MAYBE–fifty percent chance, she was a virgin. It also used to be a rule, I think, that the girl had to resist the idea of sex as much as the man pursued it with single-minded zeal. But I think the new generation of readers is breaking those rules to bits. I don’t have a problem with sex, and I don’t have a problem with virgins, but I have to roll my eyes at the convolutions that used to crop up to keep those rules inviolate.
Now I’m beginning to wonder whether there’s another romance trope that’s going by the wayside. You know what I’m talking about: the hero and heroine hate each other on the surface; they’ve spent well over a hundred pages fighting; but that rage boils up into physical attraction and then they can’t keep their hands off each other (or he kisses her to punish her or prove his dominance) and next thing you know, he’s lifting her skirts and bam–he plunges inside and she has the first orgasm of her life. Even though we’re all reading it and thinking–no WAY. If she were that sensitive, wouldn’t she have noticed it before when she touched herself? And who is that sensitive? Seconds? Really? They were just yelling at each other half a minute ago! There’s only one conclusion: The hero has a magic schlong. Everywhere it touches, orgasms burst forth. (This is not to be confused with the other romance trope, the glittery hooha, which I suspect is going nowhere).
So I was thinking about the last two debuts that I read (see previous post), and I realized that although both books had a sensuality level that was burning hot, neither one featured a hero with a magic schlong. Sex–good sex–takes work and an emotional connection. The sex isn’t always good in both those books, and that fact makes both books stronger. In a way, that made the sex that was good even hotter, because it felt more real. And they aren’t the only ones–Eloisa James writes heroines who don’t always have orgasms with their heroes, and I’m sure she’s not alone.
So what do you think? Trend or aberration? Is the magic schlong going by the wayside? How do you feel about magic schlongs–in your fiction reading and writing, of course; we’ll leave the TMI for Tessa on Tuesday.









July 29th, 2007 at 9:22 am
I hope it’s a trend. I tend to skim over love scenes that are too unrealistic.
July 29th, 2007 at 9:51 am
I am all about realistic.
By the way great blog!
July 29th, 2007 at 11:00 am
Oh, don’t get me wrong. A little over the top unrealism is perfectly fine with me. We all know that half those kama sutra poses, if you could achieve them, would leave both parties with no leverage and no way to untangle yourselves. It doesn’t mean that it’s not fun to pretend, though.
But sometimes the pretense goes too far, if you know what I mean. I’m not sure where the line gets drawn in my own personal preferences.
July 29th, 2007 at 5:52 pm
As with Audrey, I also tend to skim over unrealistic sex. As for virgins, I think that if you’re doing a historical, virgins are really realistic. But if you’re doing a contemporary, how many thirty year old virgins are out there? I however do have a friend who is nearing thirty and is in fact a virgin, so they do exist. But I’m sure even virgins have had orgasms. It’s a fact of life.
Oh and I had to change my blog address, it sounded too self depreciating
July 29th, 2007 at 11:25 pm
I think you are absolutely right. The convention of the magic schlong is on the way out. I’ve noticed lots of authors writing more realistic scenes, where if the heroine does have an orgasm during her first intercourse experience, it’s because the hero actually, *gasp*, gives her clitoral stimulation at the same time. Which reminds me of this Dan Savage column.
July 30th, 2007 at 9:04 am
I think that the only Romance I’ve read where the sex isn’t always great is Phyllida and the Brotherhood of Philander, which is, well, an unusual case. But I haven’t been seeing a lot of Magic Schlong which produces instant orgasms upon penetration with no foreplay whatsoever, either.
July 30th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
Estelle, really? Wow. It seemed like there was a period where every guy was apologizing the first time, saying, “I’m so excited, I won’t last long”–and then boom, she comes before he did.
July 30th, 2007 at 10:27 pm
Oh dear. And here I’ve already posted TMI Tuesday on a far less scintillating topic. Well, there’s always next week.
I don’t know. I’m torn on this issue. (God, that sounds bad!)
I agree that instant-orgasm-on-first-penetration doesn’t quite ring true. And imperfect sex can sometimes be fun to read about. As you say, if done well, it make the characters seem more human and real. But so far, I’ve mostly written sex that’s good for both parties. Personal preference, I suppose. But my heroines already know what an orgasm is, even if they’re virgins.
As for the Magic Schlong…
I think it’s more about the Magic Tongue or the Magic Fingers.
July 30th, 2007 at 10:29 pm
This post cracked me up in so many ways.
As for how I like to write, I’d have to say hot, and…um…well, hot
The rest is super-secret fun.
July 31st, 2007 at 6:59 am
Well, my Romance reading is a pretty small sample, since I tend to just read what comes highly recommended from a few sites I trust. And the books that I pick out of those recommendations seem to wind up leaning towards “magic tongue” and “magic fingers.”
July 31st, 2007 at 10:05 am
As with just about anything, I think variety is the spice of life. I have no trouble believing that some heroines are so sexually responsive, they get off in no time flat and that others need a bit of intervention to make it happen. Either way is okay with me as long as it’s consistent to the character.
That said, I do like it when it’s not absolutely perfect the first time the hero and heroine sleep together. Because sex does improve with practice, after all, and the first time you have sex with someone is probably going to be the worst time. It could still be really, REALLY good, but it’s only going to get better.
So if it’s perfect the first time, I then have to wonder what the characters are going to do for an encore :->.
July 31st, 2007 at 11:06 am
Unrealistic sex scenes make me yawn…..
July 31st, 2007 at 11:17 am
Everything I’m reading lately starts with the human hand.
July 31st, 2007 at 7:28 pm
Well, in some cases, I’m all for a first time O. Although it needs to come in a realistic manner, after lots of good warm up. For example, in TWIST, the first sex is oh so good for the simple reason that by the time they have it, they are oh so in love and bound together heart and soul. It would be difficult to imagine them having bad sex under those circumstances.
And I can also buy the pent up release O under proper circumstances.
What I think bothers me more than just about anything I read, is not the Magic S., but the oh-my-god-it’s-so-big-it-requires-special-preparation S. And even then, there’s a chance it might kill her.
A big S. does not a hero make. A big heart on the other hand….
August 1st, 2007 at 4:50 am
Do you think maybe the M.S. is diminishing because it’s become more and more acceptable to use real language and variety of acts in romances? I’m thinking that back in the day, you didn’t see a lot of fingering and certainly not tonguing going on, but those are the most common ways to make the O seem more realistic, right?
As for me, I’m happy to read about a magic schlong if the author’s done a great job with building up the tension. If I’m on a tight-wire from reading, then I’m willing to believe that the heroine might just be ready to burst, too. If I’m not on that tight-wire, then I’m more likely to be with Alice and Cindy, skimming or skipping.
August 3rd, 2007 at 3:01 pm
LOL!!!!! I love the term schlong, although I don’t think I’ve read it in a historical yet. It really doesn’t matter to me. As long as the author doesn’t make a point of saying he was quite undersized.
That might knock me right out of the love scene.
August 4th, 2007 at 8:53 am
In paranormal romance, it’s common for heroes to be bigger all over, not just south of the belt buckle. The first couple of times I read a story where the hero was 6′5″ or taller, I didn’t pay any particular attention, but after a while, it really started bugging me, to the point that it’s difficult for me to get through books that put undue emphasis on a big disparity in size between the hero and heroine.
I think it’d be fascinating to hear what a psychologist or sociologist would make of this trend in romance.
August 5th, 2007 at 6:58 pm
Oh, now I feel BAD. Because I have a hero who is 6 foot 5. But it’s only because I modeled his looks after an actual person I knew- and that guy was 6 foot 5.
August 6th, 2007 at 5:05 am
One of my best friends is 6′10″, so it doesn’t generally bother me when characters are super-tall. Shrug.
August 7th, 2007 at 8:51 am
LOL, good stuff. I’m with Tessa–my heroes tend to also employ magic tongue and magic fingers. =)