wrote my first novel when I was ten. It was entitled “To Bring Back the Buffalo” and it had precisely one character and zero dialogue. It was not released to critical acclaim, nor was it a resounding success. The plot–which I’m sure you’ve already guessed–was that the buffalo were gone, and somebody had to bring them back. Who was that somebody? I’m not telling, but as the novel had only one character, you may be able to guess on your own. My second novel had two characters. You’d imagine that this would have improved the dialogue. And it would have, had both characters not sported particularly taciturn dispositions.

I decided that I was a terrible novelist, and so in a fit of temper, I struck off in several completely different directions. I have a bunch of degrees. I’ve been a lawyer, a sales person, a hair stylist, a meat cook, a pastry chef, a bodyguard, an editor, a student, a teacher, a statistician, an animal trainer, a gardener, an interior designer, a philosopher, and a liar. Surprisingly, people have even paid me to do some of these things.

I take inspiration from my mother, who always believes in me, and my sister, who sees through my lies. I have a job right now, but I can’t disclose who I work for, what I do, or whether the secret formula for Coca-Cola contains one or two grams of kola nut per hundred gallons of water.

You can visit my website here.