Date: Wed, 21 Feb 2007 01:29:09 -0800 (PST)
From: The Easy Rider
Subject: Sex at the Speed of Light (fwd)

Another one I thought was your speed.  ;-)

Ciao.  AK

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 23 Nov 2004 00:05:10 -0800 (PST)
From: The Easy Rider 
To: Easy Rider Gag List 
Subject: Sex at the Speed of Light

From: The Digital Photographer

The Joy of Sexual Physics

with Dr John

"Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics"


10. Penile length contraction:

According to the relativistic theory of length contraction,
this is an inevitable consequence of performing sex at the
speed of light. An average penis of length 13cm traveling at
99% the speed of light will contract down to a length of
only 1.8cm (this is about the same length as the smallest
functional penis officially recorded). At the speed of
light, length contraction leads to an interesting paradox in
which the penis seems to have no length at all, but is still
managing to have sex somehow.

9. Penile black hole formation:

At the speed of light, relativity also predicts that the
penis will attain infinite mass, essentially becoming a
black hole. When its owner realises that his penis has
turned into a black hole, he will become profoundly
depressed and overcome by a feeling of loss. John Bobbitt
would understand; but Mr Bobbitt had his penis sewn back on,
whereas a penis lost to a black hole is a penis lost

8. Penis vaporisation:

If the penis is not lost to a black hole, it will be lost to
the uncaring force of friction. A penis traveling in and out
of a vagina at close to the speed of light will be subjected
to enormous resistive forces. Since resistive forces are
proportional to speed, this will heat up the penis
enormously. The temperature of the resulting internal
environment will be so high that the penis molecules will
actually undergo a phase transition into a gas, vaporising
the penis almost instantaneously.

7. Relativistic flaming semen:

In the unlikely event that a vaporised penis can perform
ejaculation, then the relativistic semen will create
enormous air resistance, burst into flames almost
instantaneously, and generate enormous impact forces. These
forces will be sufficient to pierce a small hole straight
through a woman's lower torso, just like a speeding bullet,
only incinerating the surrounding tissue as it passes

6. Time-dilated necrophilia:

Unfortunately, the woman will probably be dead before
ejaculation anyway. According to the relativistic theory of
time dilation, then if the man is to actually thrust in and
out at a speed infinitesimally close to the speed of light,
then from his point of view, his partner will be ageing
extremely quickly, and will be long dead before he
ejaculates. Legally, he will be committing necrophilia.

5. Lack of visual appeal:

Time-dilated necrophilia, flaming relativistic ejaculation
and penile black hole formation are all very dramatic, but
unfortunately they don't translate well onto the big screen.
In reality, relativistic sex would only last for a fraction
of a second, and would appear as a sort of muddy grayish
white smudge, since the eye merges all images together at
such high speeds. This is probably not visually appealing
enough to make a porn-at-the-speed-of-light series out of.

4. Religious values:

Certain branches of Christianity would view
porn-at-the-speed-of-light immoral anyway. It's in the

3. Property damage:

A penis is made up of a collection of charged molecules, and
accelerating charged molecules emit radiation. To accelerate
charged penis molecules up to the speed of light in a single
thrust requires enormous acceleration. This will produce a
frequency and intensity of radiation similar to that
produced by a small nuclear explosion. It may be worth
hiring out a hotel room if you don't want your own room

2. Deafening sonic booms:

As a penis accelerates up to the speed of light, it will
inevitably surpass the sound barrier, producing deafening
sonic booms with every inward and outward thrust. If the
neighbours haven't already been woken by your moaning, they
will be now. Or then again maybe not, because they will be
conveniently deafened and unable to hear you.

1. Excessive dietary requirements:

The amount of energy required to accelerate an average
person up to 99% the speed of light for a single inward
thrust is approximately equal to 16 million billion
kilojoules. This is equivalent to the amount of energy
gained by consuming 78 trillion weetbix. But 78 trillion
weetbix will increase an average person's mass by
approximately 1.2 trillion kilograms, requiring them to eat
even more weetbix just to accelerate this additional load up
to the speed of light. Nine out of ten nutritionists may
recommend weetbix, but this is slightly more than the
recommended daily intake.


Got a problem, or even just a question? Pour it all out to
John. Since the end of the twentieth century, Dr John
Marshall, Ph.D. Sexual Physics has been a sex and
relationships writer taking the little-known sexual wisdom
from the ivory tower realm of the theoretical physicist to
the layperson. Feel free to write to him at
or you can visit his webpage at

� John Marshall, 2003